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The day had finally arrived, i woke up to a beautiful sunny morning but i was anything but full of the joys of spring. Today was 'camera up the japs eye' day..........oh woe!
So there i was sitting opposite this nurse answering the usual questions, age, next of kin etc when all of a sudden she pulls out a friggin great javelin of a needle.
"You can kiss the north side of my hairy backside if you think you are sticking that into my chipolatta" i said to her.
" Dont be a silly sod, its to take some blood samples from your ARM"
After nearly daining the full 9 pints or so she takes me into the doctor who explains to me the procedure.
Up on the table and he asks me to lie on my side and pull my knees up to my chest.
"Whats this got to do with penioooooohhhhhhhyyyyyaaaaabbbbasssstttttttaaaaarrrrrr" as his KY smeared finger probed my prostrate gland.
That wasn't in the little bit of paper they gave me.
Now comes the bit i have not been looking forward to as the nurse picks up this long tube the diameter of a pencil.
"How big is the bit that goes on the end" i asked her looking down at the array of surgical implements on the table.
"This is the end" she replied with a sadistic glint in her evil little red eyes.
First came the numbing gell squirted down the eye through a syringe. If that was numbing gell then best they take it back and sue the bastards under the the trade descriptons act for falsley using the word NUMBING.
Then came the camera............in it went.....deeper and deeper, knuckles turning whiter and whiter as my vice like death grip on the sheet got tighter and tighter and then out..........the doctor was stood there with the camera. Is that it????? Piece of cake i thinks to myself UNTILL i hear the words
"Its not working properly, lets try it again"
White knuckles
"Still not working try that switch nurse"
White knuckles
"Nope thats no good either, fetch the other camera"
New camera is greased up and another tube of the finest non-numbing gell is squirted down the by now overly stretched orrifice that only liquds should inhabit.
"Oh bloody hells bells whats up with this thing"
In it goes again.....crack as the first of my knuckles can no longer take the strain. In and out in and out in and out.......bloody hell.
Finally on the 6th attempt the evil red eyed daughter of Satan realises one of the cables isn't plugged in. In it goes and and there in wonderfull technicolour is a close up of the inside of my Jerry helmet.
"Now Mr Fraser when i ask you to i want you to try having a wee to help relax your sphincter muscle so we can ease the camera into your bladder"
EASE.....EASE, JESUS H CHRIST IT ALMOST WENT THROUGH AND OUT MY @RSE HOLE.
All the time it was in there i felt like i was on the very edge of peeing myself you know that GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE A SOIL MY PANTS feeling.
After a good look round out came the camera with the words "No problems at all Mr Fraser, you have a very nice bladder. You might notice a bit of stinging and some blood when you go for a wee for the next couple of days"..............................Is it surprising considering you have just reemed out the inside of my trouser snake????
So anyway it was a very relieved man that walked somewhat gingerly back to his car.
When i got home i decided to have a little kip on the sofa but woke up after an hour in a terrible state. Sweat was pouring off me and the cushions were in bits. After a few seconds i came to my senses and realised that i had a nightmare............i dreamt i was a deeply hooked eel and some friggin idiot was slamming his disgorger in and out trying to get the hook out.............now i wonder why i dreamt that???????